implode
05-06-2005, 02:06 PM
okay. hi. i haven't written a stupid article in nearly 6 months, and i can't bear to see you people smiling about it anymore. so i've decided to institute an actual method to my nonsense - i will do one of these per week, regardless of how bad, and release them in here every friday. it is in this way that i hope to eventually alienate you all and live out the rest of my life in a studio apartment, arguing with my television and kidnapping neighborhood cats just to make other people feel as badly as i do, if only for just a moment.
this one is pretty bad, but i have an excuse - it's been so long, i've forgotten how to think. hopefully, i'll remember what it is to remember by next friday, and you'll have something worth stealing a quote or two from. but until then... you might want to look away.
<br>
<br>
<center><u>drugs can't kill people if we kill them first</u></center>
<a href="
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/afp/20050421/wl_asia_afp/indonesiaaustraliacrimedrugs_050421075430">link</a>
a beautiful australian lady looked on in awe this morning, as balinesian (that's right, BALINESIAN - we'll get to this later, once the macaws stop their infernal squaking) prosecutors translated their reccomended sentence for her misdoings from balinese to english to kangaroo: a life sentence in jail, accompanied by a $10,000 dollar fine, which will presumably be earned by escaping from jail at lights out, prostituting in front of the harbor, and sneaking back in before anyone notices that they're all a bunch of retards that fell asleep with their fingers in their noses.
her crime? supposedly smuggling in 9 pounds of marijuana to the tropical resort paradise/cannibalistic tribal drum circle. while nancy reagan's severed head looks on, casually thinking of new ways to retool "just say no" to apply to a generation skateboard carrying rebels, the country of bali has taken the "war on drugs" to disturbingly literal heights. 31 death sentences from drug trafficking offenses have been handed down by the tribal elders since 2000, a number that even the state of texas would be astounded by, were they capable of counting up to it. a particularly grisly example is painted by the description of two taiwanese men executed by firing squad last year, which, despite what they may have done, recalls too many scenes from clint eastwood movies to truly be taken seriously. thankfully for schepelle colby, the defendant in this case, death by sequencial rifle blasts to the face was not the suggested penalty in her case, as perhaps the thought of a beautiful lady being executed for trying to smuggle marijuana into a country that considers a firing squad to be a tool of justice may have even been too much for the prosecutor to handle.
look, bali. i don't care what side of the world you're on, and i don't care if you consider me to be an arrogant american for thinking this: you don't shoot people that wouldn't shoot you if they got the chance. i understand that when you're in a country the size of chicago, drugs ARE a bigger problem than they are in developed countries, since jay & silent bob could literally get everybody on the goddamned island high after a week of wacky vacation antics, but haven't you considered any options that aren't so goddamned insane? have you ever considered deportation? you know, the whole "i'll bet you don't drive this way in YOUR town" spiel the cop gives you before you have to offer him head to get out of a $300 ticket? or how about the slightly less insane, almost-cuddly-compared-to-this approach that singapore takes when dealing with petty criminals? 20 good whacks with a bamboo shoot will convince anyone who doesn't already think otherwise that bali is not the best place to try to awkwardly smuggle 9 pounds of marijuana into in a fucking handbag, you get the problem dealt with, and people gradually stop thinking that you'd just as soon kill them and put them in a stew before taking a logical approach to dealing with your problems.
i don't claim that colby is innocent - just beautiful, and just barely that. this woman tried to smuggle a bale of weed into a country with the unquestionably ballsy method of "putting it in her luggage", as if it never occured to her that this might be somewhere that customs agents would be looking. she claims that she was victimized by a group of organized criminals who used her as an unwilling courier for the drug, which is almost believeable, if you don't stop to think that people don't become "organized criminals" by shoving their drugs down their pants and trying to cross national borders. one tenet of organization is that you must be able to differentiate between good ideas and stealing a tourists bag, filling it with marijuana, and hoping they'll sell it above cost and mail the profits back to you. it's obvious that she's guilty - and if she isn't guilty, the people who actually are guilty are too busy trying to dislodge the loaded handgun from their commander's asshole after a smuggling demonstration. but that's not the point - the point is that if two wrongs don't make a right, two stupids certainly don't make a justice. a drug dealer is nothing more than misguided merchant, and despite the sanctity induced by visualizing your hands grasped tightly around ed-from-satelitte-promotions' neck, you'd never actually throw somebody in a hole for the rest of their life for trying to sell something worthless to your friends. the punishment must fit the crime, and EVEN if you're trying to make the point that drugs destroy lives, you don't make that point by destroying the lives before the drugs get a chance to.
the country of bali likes to consider themselves a tourist attraction, when they aren't busy digging up roots to throw in simmering cauldron, and they claim that this case has somehow distorted their image as a "holiday island" and caused mental anguish to their people. i don't know about the citizens of bali, but the idea that a platform of soldiers would have every right to shoot me in the face if one man gave them the word is FAR more disturbing than the idea of a chick selling weed could ever hope to be, if thoughts could hope. and i don't know what holidays they're talking about, since i'm not polynesian, but which one of them involves "erasing the concept of drug dealers from society", and why the hell hasn't america picked up on it yet? if there truly was a "what the hell are drugs?" ideal involved in any holiday, we'd have countless editorials about it by people that hate drugs so much that they just can't stop making a living by talking about them. but there aren't - holidays are about having a good time and celebrating, and apparently nobody ever explained to bali that drugs are designed to do exactly that. you want to sully your image as a "holiday island"? erect a giant statue of santa claus being scalped by warriors, or release a "22 ways to restrain and sodomize mohammed" educational video. simply knowing that somewhere on the island there might be someone willing to sell me a joint is not enough to even make me put my drink down while considering it, let alone put my drink down, set fire to a nearby stick, and chase said person through the town with it while shouting "up with hope! down with dope!"
in conclusion, bali is being ridiculous, and i'm telling. byevrybudy.
this one is pretty bad, but i have an excuse - it's been so long, i've forgotten how to think. hopefully, i'll remember what it is to remember by next friday, and you'll have something worth stealing a quote or two from. but until then... you might want to look away.
<br>
<br>
<center><u>drugs can't kill people if we kill them first</u></center>
<a href="
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/afp/20050421/wl_asia_afp/indonesiaaustraliacrimedrugs_050421075430">link</a>
a beautiful australian lady looked on in awe this morning, as balinesian (that's right, BALINESIAN - we'll get to this later, once the macaws stop their infernal squaking) prosecutors translated their reccomended sentence for her misdoings from balinese to english to kangaroo: a life sentence in jail, accompanied by a $10,000 dollar fine, which will presumably be earned by escaping from jail at lights out, prostituting in front of the harbor, and sneaking back in before anyone notices that they're all a bunch of retards that fell asleep with their fingers in their noses.
her crime? supposedly smuggling in 9 pounds of marijuana to the tropical resort paradise/cannibalistic tribal drum circle. while nancy reagan's severed head looks on, casually thinking of new ways to retool "just say no" to apply to a generation skateboard carrying rebels, the country of bali has taken the "war on drugs" to disturbingly literal heights. 31 death sentences from drug trafficking offenses have been handed down by the tribal elders since 2000, a number that even the state of texas would be astounded by, were they capable of counting up to it. a particularly grisly example is painted by the description of two taiwanese men executed by firing squad last year, which, despite what they may have done, recalls too many scenes from clint eastwood movies to truly be taken seriously. thankfully for schepelle colby, the defendant in this case, death by sequencial rifle blasts to the face was not the suggested penalty in her case, as perhaps the thought of a beautiful lady being executed for trying to smuggle marijuana into a country that considers a firing squad to be a tool of justice may have even been too much for the prosecutor to handle.
look, bali. i don't care what side of the world you're on, and i don't care if you consider me to be an arrogant american for thinking this: you don't shoot people that wouldn't shoot you if they got the chance. i understand that when you're in a country the size of chicago, drugs ARE a bigger problem than they are in developed countries, since jay & silent bob could literally get everybody on the goddamned island high after a week of wacky vacation antics, but haven't you considered any options that aren't so goddamned insane? have you ever considered deportation? you know, the whole "i'll bet you don't drive this way in YOUR town" spiel the cop gives you before you have to offer him head to get out of a $300 ticket? or how about the slightly less insane, almost-cuddly-compared-to-this approach that singapore takes when dealing with petty criminals? 20 good whacks with a bamboo shoot will convince anyone who doesn't already think otherwise that bali is not the best place to try to awkwardly smuggle 9 pounds of marijuana into in a fucking handbag, you get the problem dealt with, and people gradually stop thinking that you'd just as soon kill them and put them in a stew before taking a logical approach to dealing with your problems.
i don't claim that colby is innocent - just beautiful, and just barely that. this woman tried to smuggle a bale of weed into a country with the unquestionably ballsy method of "putting it in her luggage", as if it never occured to her that this might be somewhere that customs agents would be looking. she claims that she was victimized by a group of organized criminals who used her as an unwilling courier for the drug, which is almost believeable, if you don't stop to think that people don't become "organized criminals" by shoving their drugs down their pants and trying to cross national borders. one tenet of organization is that you must be able to differentiate between good ideas and stealing a tourists bag, filling it with marijuana, and hoping they'll sell it above cost and mail the profits back to you. it's obvious that she's guilty - and if she isn't guilty, the people who actually are guilty are too busy trying to dislodge the loaded handgun from their commander's asshole after a smuggling demonstration. but that's not the point - the point is that if two wrongs don't make a right, two stupids certainly don't make a justice. a drug dealer is nothing more than misguided merchant, and despite the sanctity induced by visualizing your hands grasped tightly around ed-from-satelitte-promotions' neck, you'd never actually throw somebody in a hole for the rest of their life for trying to sell something worthless to your friends. the punishment must fit the crime, and EVEN if you're trying to make the point that drugs destroy lives, you don't make that point by destroying the lives before the drugs get a chance to.
the country of bali likes to consider themselves a tourist attraction, when they aren't busy digging up roots to throw in simmering cauldron, and they claim that this case has somehow distorted their image as a "holiday island" and caused mental anguish to their people. i don't know about the citizens of bali, but the idea that a platform of soldiers would have every right to shoot me in the face if one man gave them the word is FAR more disturbing than the idea of a chick selling weed could ever hope to be, if thoughts could hope. and i don't know what holidays they're talking about, since i'm not polynesian, but which one of them involves "erasing the concept of drug dealers from society", and why the hell hasn't america picked up on it yet? if there truly was a "what the hell are drugs?" ideal involved in any holiday, we'd have countless editorials about it by people that hate drugs so much that they just can't stop making a living by talking about them. but there aren't - holidays are about having a good time and celebrating, and apparently nobody ever explained to bali that drugs are designed to do exactly that. you want to sully your image as a "holiday island"? erect a giant statue of santa claus being scalped by warriors, or release a "22 ways to restrain and sodomize mohammed" educational video. simply knowing that somewhere on the island there might be someone willing to sell me a joint is not enough to even make me put my drink down while considering it, let alone put my drink down, set fire to a nearby stick, and chase said person through the town with it while shouting "up with hope! down with dope!"
in conclusion, bali is being ridiculous, and i'm telling. byevrybudy.