implode
06-03-2005, 10:52 AM
i know. i missed last weeks... thingline. and i have nothing prepared for this week, either, because my head popped off on wednesday night and i still haven't heard that reassuring "click" that lets you know it's back in tightly. so here's something old, and probably bad, that i've never shared with anyone before, excluding the one lucky lass who recieved it as a PM many moons ago. it's short, bad, fighting, on fire, and not funny. i recommend using it to start a campfire. oh, and it shares my last name with the class, something i'm terribly embarrassed about, so if you could all limit your burst of raucous laughter to ten seconds or less, i'll try to reschedule the killing spree for next thursday.
<center><b>GENEOLOGY</B>
3/06/05</center>
what do a a late german author, a band composed of four guys with hammers, an episode of hogan's heros, and a psychoneuroimmunologist have in common? "i have no idea what you're talking about, please go away" is a suitable answer to this question, but if by chance you're actually interested, the answer is that they all share one common trait: my fucking last name.
that's right, MINE. i've lived 20 years now, plagued by this 40-pound, carnivorous ball & chain i call a last name attached securely to my neck. some people have funny names, sure. IN GRADE SCHOOL. i knew a kid named daniel fagnant in grade school, and having a last name like "fagnant" is grade school is sort of like dressing like a giant target every morning and handing out spears to your classmates. but it's only funny until you're about 18 or so. after that, the hilarious wordplay only works on the idiots who pretend to like you in bars. but with a name like "hammerschlag" you're pretty much sentenced to a life of people repeating your name, chuckling a little bit, and saying "no, but seriously."
the results of me feeling lucky yielded <a href="http://www.healingdoc.com/about.php">dr. carl hammerschlag's</a> little piece of webproperty, which, as far as i could tell from the extensive 6 seconds of reading i did, is a website entirely devoted to politely asking you to buy his book. of course, dr. hammerschlag is a respected psychoneuroimmunomonkeyist, so he probably isn't waiting desperately for your paltry $18 to add the candycane elevator to his fantastic sky palace. chances are, he's genuinely proud of his work in the field of talking to native americans, and he wants you to buy his book so you can enrich your life with his knowledge, or whatever. phh. lousy do-gooders. i'm not really clear on what he DOES, exactly - the site calls his occupation "the science of the mind/body/spirit connection" which, as far as i can tell, is a polite way for scientists to say "this is the furthest we could push this guy from the field of science without excommunicating him entirely." it doesn't help that the guy just has the GOOFIEST look on his face in all of his pictures. like, imagine eric's picture face. now imagine if your face stuck like that. would you eat your own head? well, you might, if you were hungry enough. think about that.
the second result i discovered was worth discovering was, hilariously enough, as episode of hogan's hereos entitled <a href="http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/movie.aspx?m=522971">"is general hammerschlag burning?"</a> though as of right now i have not read the description of that episode, i'm still going to bet on "yes, he is", because it's just not an episode of hogan's heroes until something ZANY like being burned alive happens to a german officer. and after reading the description, i've discovered that i don't CARE if general hammerschlag is burning, or if chantuese Kamusa ever decides to extract vital information from her german protector, because holy crap, i wasn't born in the right era to appreciate this show.
the next (coolest) result was of a german <a href="http://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=http://www.hammerschlag04.de/&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dhammerschlag%26start%3D60%26hl%3Den%2 6lr%3D%26ie%3DUTF-8%26sa%3DN">"band"</a> named "hammerschlag" (hammerschlag translates to "hammer blow" or "hammer strike" in german) which is comprised of four men, four hammers, and some (probably) dented stuff made of metal. "band" is in quotation marks because any situation as cool as hitting stuff with hammers for hours while fans watch in awe is too fucking amazing to deserve the peasant title of "band." "super galatic ultra rad squadron" comes close, but i'm afraid the english tongue has not progressed far enough in my own mind to come up with a description glorious enough for these four trailblazers. maybe yours. you're better with words than i am. i mean, this is fucking gallagher for german people. and german people... they understand. you don't need a piece of fruit or a comically oversized shoe to make hitting stuff with hammers cool. you just need some hammers, some other stuff that isn't hammers and isn't alive, and the drive to hit stuff. you might be thinking "*i* have all these things!" you certainly do, and i'm not EXPLICITLY saying you should trash your stepdad's car in the name of the super galactic ultra rad squadron... but you're a smart girl. you don't need it spelled out for you.
in conclusion, i didn't write about recess, and i still haven't made that fucking alfredo, but i didn't waste my time watching television, either.
EDIT: ALSO! i have... well... i suppose you could call it a <a href="http://implode.hosting.pengs.com/index.html">website</a>, if you were so inclined and weren't in the company of any webmasters at the time. so. yeah. um. i'm still actively in the process of finishing the first draft, and where to go with it from here, i knoweth not, but it'll be updated every goddamned fifty-five seconds, knowing me, so if you're a fan (ahaha) tell your friends to skip school with you to read my nonsense.
<center><b>GENEOLOGY</B>
3/06/05</center>
what do a a late german author, a band composed of four guys with hammers, an episode of hogan's heros, and a psychoneuroimmunologist have in common? "i have no idea what you're talking about, please go away" is a suitable answer to this question, but if by chance you're actually interested, the answer is that they all share one common trait: my fucking last name.
that's right, MINE. i've lived 20 years now, plagued by this 40-pound, carnivorous ball & chain i call a last name attached securely to my neck. some people have funny names, sure. IN GRADE SCHOOL. i knew a kid named daniel fagnant in grade school, and having a last name like "fagnant" is grade school is sort of like dressing like a giant target every morning and handing out spears to your classmates. but it's only funny until you're about 18 or so. after that, the hilarious wordplay only works on the idiots who pretend to like you in bars. but with a name like "hammerschlag" you're pretty much sentenced to a life of people repeating your name, chuckling a little bit, and saying "no, but seriously."
the results of me feeling lucky yielded <a href="http://www.healingdoc.com/about.php">dr. carl hammerschlag's</a> little piece of webproperty, which, as far as i could tell from the extensive 6 seconds of reading i did, is a website entirely devoted to politely asking you to buy his book. of course, dr. hammerschlag is a respected psychoneuroimmunomonkeyist, so he probably isn't waiting desperately for your paltry $18 to add the candycane elevator to his fantastic sky palace. chances are, he's genuinely proud of his work in the field of talking to native americans, and he wants you to buy his book so you can enrich your life with his knowledge, or whatever. phh. lousy do-gooders. i'm not really clear on what he DOES, exactly - the site calls his occupation "the science of the mind/body/spirit connection" which, as far as i can tell, is a polite way for scientists to say "this is the furthest we could push this guy from the field of science without excommunicating him entirely." it doesn't help that the guy just has the GOOFIEST look on his face in all of his pictures. like, imagine eric's picture face. now imagine if your face stuck like that. would you eat your own head? well, you might, if you were hungry enough. think about that.
the second result i discovered was worth discovering was, hilariously enough, as episode of hogan's hereos entitled <a href="http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/movie.aspx?m=522971">"is general hammerschlag burning?"</a> though as of right now i have not read the description of that episode, i'm still going to bet on "yes, he is", because it's just not an episode of hogan's heroes until something ZANY like being burned alive happens to a german officer. and after reading the description, i've discovered that i don't CARE if general hammerschlag is burning, or if chantuese Kamusa ever decides to extract vital information from her german protector, because holy crap, i wasn't born in the right era to appreciate this show.
the next (coolest) result was of a german <a href="http://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=http://www.hammerschlag04.de/&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dhammerschlag%26start%3D60%26hl%3Den%2 6lr%3D%26ie%3DUTF-8%26sa%3DN">"band"</a> named "hammerschlag" (hammerschlag translates to "hammer blow" or "hammer strike" in german) which is comprised of four men, four hammers, and some (probably) dented stuff made of metal. "band" is in quotation marks because any situation as cool as hitting stuff with hammers for hours while fans watch in awe is too fucking amazing to deserve the peasant title of "band." "super galatic ultra rad squadron" comes close, but i'm afraid the english tongue has not progressed far enough in my own mind to come up with a description glorious enough for these four trailblazers. maybe yours. you're better with words than i am. i mean, this is fucking gallagher for german people. and german people... they understand. you don't need a piece of fruit or a comically oversized shoe to make hitting stuff with hammers cool. you just need some hammers, some other stuff that isn't hammers and isn't alive, and the drive to hit stuff. you might be thinking "*i* have all these things!" you certainly do, and i'm not EXPLICITLY saying you should trash your stepdad's car in the name of the super galactic ultra rad squadron... but you're a smart girl. you don't need it spelled out for you.
in conclusion, i didn't write about recess, and i still haven't made that fucking alfredo, but i didn't waste my time watching television, either.
EDIT: ALSO! i have... well... i suppose you could call it a <a href="http://implode.hosting.pengs.com/index.html">website</a>, if you were so inclined and weren't in the company of any webmasters at the time. so. yeah. um. i'm still actively in the process of finishing the first draft, and where to go with it from here, i knoweth not, but it'll be updated every goddamned fifty-five seconds, knowing me, so if you're a fan (ahaha) tell your friends to skip school with you to read my nonsense.