ONLINE DATING FOR DUMMIES

[Forever Finite]

seriously, i bought this booklet i saw at the checkout counter because just flipping through it gave me side-splitting giggle fits.

so you guys.... i'm here to share my freshly purchased knowledge with you all.

go ahead, i'm here to help. what are your online dating advice needs?

[exemplary citizen]

Dear Dr. Finite,

I have recently become hopelessly enamoured of an online acquiantance, hotchica6969. She and I share so much in common, it's as though we are of a single mind! However, recently I have begun to sense that she may be hiding something from me. Could hotchica6969 be somebody other than whom she claims to be?

Sincerely,

Ambiguous in Albequerqe

[t3]

Question: if the guy on the eHarmony commercials is soooo damn knoledgable about compatibility, why is he still SINGLE?!

Also: How true-to-life must a profile photo be in your online photo? WIll people understand when I am NOT, in fact, a muscular lion tamer/The Terminator/an 18 year old female virgin?

[Takker]

I liked ask reef better

[Forever Finite]

Dear Ambiguous,

after consulting my little paperback deciple of god, i have come to the following conclusion about your personal online dating problems.

according to god, revealing your personal information is like losing your virginity (that's what the book says). once you give it away, you can never give it back. i suggest you think about this before giving up on hotchica6969. maybe she's an internet virgin. you have to caress her trust, you have to lull her into a state of deep deep woodom. wait until her firewall is down, let her circuits fry with desire. then ask her what she's really about.

goodluck!
<blockquote>your friend, Dummy Done Got a Book</blockquote>



Dear MST3Kman,

according to Online Dating for Dummies, as you begin your online dating adventure it is impairative that you post a profile image immediately. whether or not it is actually you in the photo doesn't seem to be an issue. you don't want your victims to know exactly what their kidnapper looks like anyway. it's bad for the eventual line-up.

as chapters 22, 23, and 24 clearly state, "get thee to a computer, any computer", "select thine link to the internet", and "buyeth a printer" are also important steps in your online dating journey. these devices are vital for the luring, stalking, and masturbation processes.

if you need help finding profile images, i suggest you google search a charming man by the name of magnus sheving. good luck and happy "online dating"!

<blockquote>your friend, Dummy Done Got a Book</blockquote>

[Forever Finite]

I liked ask reef better
yeah well what are you gonna do about it?

according to Online Dating for Dummies' chapter 5, Dealing With Rejection, <blockquote>it happens often on the internet. it hurts, but it doesn't matter.</blockquote>

i don't have to let you hurt me, takker. it doesn't matter, i can move on.

[Meat Load]

Dear Online Dating For Dummies,

what do you do if you find out the girl you've been cybering with for over a year is actually your mother? is this incest? this is all hypothetical of course.

sincerely,

anonymous

[Forever Finite]

Dear Anonymous,

According to ODD's chapter 32 titled <I>Facing the Consequences of Free Sites</i>, a lack of sophistocated features (such as mother-son hookup filters) are only one of the risks of joining a free dating site. the most you can do now is cut your losses and quit the online dating world until your family recovers and you and your mother can agree to join designated different <I>paid membership</i> online dating websites.

good luck and happy searching! stick to your age group.

your friend, Dummy Done Got a Book

[Sally]

Dr. Finite,

I like this emo boy on myspace and he likes me too but he won't got out with me because he says he's "going to get his heart broken 8_C". What do I do kthxbai.

[HappySilly4Doom]

Dear Finete,
I met a boy on the phone a year ago! I call him every night, and in middle of the night when I'm sad or lonely! (And he's wonderful about it!) But he lives in another state far away from mines and If I choose to be with him I would have to move. He's so good to me he even sent me free video games for my B-day and some as token of his affection! He makes my world go around! Is he the one? What should I do? :o

*smiles*

[Davey Rootbeer]

Dear finite,
Gawd, i can't get this crazy psycho bitch to leave me alone online! she keeps calling me. SHE KEEPS FUCKING CALLING ME. I've tried to be nice about it but HOLY CRAP. I tried sending her video games for her birthday so she's leave me alone, but that just makes her want me even more.

How do i get out of this?

~Bedazzled and Razzled

[HappySilly4Doom]

You're funny Davey!lol ^v^
(But I would Forever Finite to answer my question!)

*giggle smiles*

[Forever Finite]

Dear Kthxbai,

<I>Avoiding Discussion about Previous Relationship Woes</i> might be the chapter to look at here. your emo boy needs to "write an essay that reflects" himself and you should do the same, in order to determine if you are truly a good match. if you find that you and emokid are a good match, it's time to <I>Take it Slow and Gain Momentum</i> followed by the <I>Knowing When to Hold 'em and When to Fold 'Em</i> phase. Hopefully you'll never hit the <I>Dishing Out Rejection</i> chapter, but instead find yourselves in the steamy <I>Dealing With Matters of Sex</i> chapter.

good luck with your emokid and don't forget the ten Online Dating Don'ts (which are in the glossary but not the book, so i'll conjure them from the ether):
<blockquote><Li>don't talk about online dating
<li>don't talk about online dating
<LI>don't share foot pictures until the second month at least
<LI>don't agree to anything until you've met in person (such as bubble baths together or kinky roleplay)
<LI>don't show before and after pictures for anything, at all. ever.
<LI>don't dye your pubes red before your first in-person meeting
<LI>don't talk about your fat little pug all the goddamn time
<LI>don't pretend your internet connection is faulty when you want to end an uncomfortable AIM conversation
<LI>don't believe anything your online dating partner says about their body
<LI>don't ask why your partner's internet pictures are always of his or her right side
<LI>don't expect anything great in your future

keep those tips in mind and i'm sure you'll have a great online dating experience!

your friend, etc. etc.

[Forever Finite]

Dear Smiles and Razzled,

i think you two have some serious communication issues.

<blockquote>your friend, finite</blockquote>

[Sally]

Everythin seems so clear now, thank you Dr. Finite! :)

[Takker]

Dear Online Dating For Dummies,

what do you do if you find out the girl you've been cybering with for over a year is actually your mother? is this incest? this is all hypothetical of course.

sincerely,

anonymous
dude, vile's not your mom...

[Meat Load]

As far as you know.

[Takker]

dear finite,

how can I be sure that vile is not really trogg's mom?

sincerely, :confused:

[Forever Finite]

Dear :confused:,

As the last chapter, <I>Vile is Trogg's Mom</i>, is very clear about....Vile is indeed Trogg's mom. You may find this puzzling, but don't be alarmed! It's a simple question of geometry and low level algebra. When Trogg goes to bed at night, he sees Vile in his dreams. This dream Vile magically becomes Trogg's mother and he finds himself at peace at last. Vile and Trogg's mother bring light to his darkness.

Good luck understanding my answer!

Your friend, bargle bargle

[KLEIN]

Hey.

What's going on in this thread?

[Takker]

cybering

[Awesome McManly]

dear finite,

I really like this girl who posts on the same forum as I do. I tried calling her a cockslut and a retard, but so far this hasn't achieved the desired effect. So naturally I moved on to phase two and spammed up her inbox with porn.

She still just calls me an ass hole, and blocks me on AIM.

what am I doing wrong? :confused:

sincerely, pulling her hair and running away.

[Davey Rootbeer]

Dear bargle,

As trogg's mom, i feel it of the utmost importance to your readers to point out that never has been, and in fact, never shall be, "internets". Because of this common misconception, occurances which correspond to these so called "internets" tend to lack solidarity and consistancy, thereby paving the way for such quasilogical breaches, including, but not limited to:

Marshmallow peeps
Otis Nixon
The Beatles (Except for John Lennon)
the Pillsbury Doughboy
"A Very Kleiny Christmas"
and, perhaps most of all, the sock gnomes.

It would be in your readers' best interests to enlighten us all about the dangers of such pseudofactual ideals, such as the ones listed above, in the hopes that the dangers of misconceptions about teenage pregnancy be lessened. As Trogg's father as well, i feel that there should be more information out there on the dangerous internet predetors, like the Snape.

Protecting our children should be super happy toy number one priority; because children are much easier to run down and catch than adults, and the meat is so much more tender. oh my god.

Love,

XxSeeingEyeWatchdogxSoadfreakxX

[HappySilly4Doom]

Dear Finite,

How are baby space monkies born? (Is it woo hoo related?)

*smiles*

[banky]

Dear Dr. Finite

Is it ok to grab-a-feel during the first real life meeting?

- NOTaVURGON_RLY

[Komrade Kayce]

Dear Dr. Finite

What if its not worth a feel, so you touch yourself upon first meeting instead? Is that still mutually acceptable on a first date?

[tass]

Dr . Finite

I talk to guy e-mail and we talk . Then picture He ask and to send . since He do will email not I send many . I concern do he like me not ? Or dead ?

[Tom Bosley]

DEER FINITE I HAV BONER

[Forever Finite]

Hey.

What's going on in this thread?
Dear Hey,

congratulations! you are currently having sex.

<blockquote>your friend, D.D.O.</blockquote>
dear finite,

I really like this girl who posts on the same forum as I do. I tried calling her a cockslut and a retard, but so far this hasn't achieved the desired effect. So naturally I moved on to phase two and spammed up her inbox with porn.

She still just calls me an ass hole, and blocks me on AIM.

what am I doing wrong?

sincerely, pulling her hair and running away.
Dear P.H.,

way back when Al Gore invented the internet, only internet nerds courted online. but now that we have <I>Online Dating for Dummies</i> it is possible for relationships to flourish online between beautiful people as well.

Sounds to me like you need to take some heed to chapter 7, <i>Starting with a positive attitude</i>. Instead of calling your beloved a cockslut, why not a <I>darling</i> cockslut? Instead of simply calling her a retard, try calling her <I>your</i> retard. These subtle advances just may be what she needs to realize you're actually inviting her to be your darling retarded cockslut instead of just any old mentally handicapped stripper. she will appreciate the distinction, and i think you'll find she may even be <I>a little turned on</i> ;)

pretty soon your girl will be begging you to let her lick <I>your</i> asshole instead of just calling you one.

good luck!

<blockquote>your friend, Toungie McTongue</blockquote>
Dear bargle,

As trogg's mom, i feel it of the utmost importance to your readers to point out that never has been, and in fact, never shall be, "internets". Because of this common misconception, occurances which correspond to these so called "internets" tend to lack solidarity and consistancy, thereby paving the way for such quasilogical breaches, including, but not limited to:

Marshmallow peeps
Otis Nixon
The Beatles (Except for John Lennon)
the Pillsbury Doughboy
"A Very Kleiny Christmas"
and, perhaps most of all, the sock gnomes.

It would be in your readers' best interests to enlighten us all about the dangers of such pseudofactual ideals, such as the ones listed above, in the hopes that the dangers of misconceptions about teenage pregnancy be lessened. As Trogg's father as well, i feel that there should be more information out there on the dangerous internet predetors, like the Snape.

Protecting our children should be super happy toy number one priority; because children are much easier to run down and catch than adults, and the meat is so much more tender. oh my god.

Love,

XxSeeingEyeWatchdogxSoadfreakxX
Dear Trogg's mom A.K.A. XxSeeingEyeWatchdogxSoadfreakxX,

i agree that the meat of children is much more tender than the meat of any adult.

as you have kindly pointed out, it is in my readers' best interest for me to enlighten them about the dangers of "a very kleiny christmas". as i do not wish to upset my censors, i will only briefly touch on the matter.

<B>SAY NO TO CHRISTMAS.</b>

this may seem like a harsh solution, but i guarantee it is the only way to ensure your family's safety. just say no to christmas.

i would also like to note that there is, in fact, no such thing as internet predators. please check your sources.

<blockquote>your friend, Jeremy Higgins</blockquote>
Dear Finite,

How are baby space monkies born? (Is it woo hoo related?)

*smiles*
Dear Smiles,

UR BUTT

<blockquote>your friend, finite</blockquote>
Dear Dr. Finite

Is it ok to grab-a-feel during the first real life meeting?

- NOTaVURGON_RLY
Dear Virgin,

do not touch her privates until the rufie has taken full effect.

<blockquote>your friend, finite</blockquote>
Dear Dr. Finite

What if its not worth a feel, so you touch yourself upon first meeting instead? Is that still mutually acceptable on a first date?
Dear loser,

please do not touch your own sagging breasts at all, ever.

<blockquote>your friend, a concerned friend</blockquote>
Dr . Finite

I talk to guy e-mail and we talk . Then picture He ask and to send . since He do will email not I send many . I concern do he like me not ? Or dead
Dear Student of English,

He only wants your body. our Lord and savior doesn't have time for relationships. please stop wasting His time.

<blockquote>your enemy in Christ, Rachel</blockquote>
DEER FINITE I HAV BONER
Dear Boner-weidler,

how big is your erect penis?

<blockquote>your friend, a hot babe</blockquote>

[Awesome McManly]

rachel for the win!

[HappySilly4Doom]

Thank you Ranchel! (I luv baby space monkies!)

*smiles for Fin*

[Tom Bosley]

Dear Boner-weidler,

how big is your erect penis?

<blockquote>your friend, a hot babe</blockquote>

<img src="http://www.aims.gov.au/pages/about/communications/backgrounders/images20030615/whale-shark-cc4-200306-480.jpg">

[SenorMan]

<img src="http://www.aims.gov.au/pages/about/communications/backgrounders/images20030615/whale-shark-cc4-200306-480.jpg">

The whale-shark is over compensating, like in bedazzled when the guy wished to be a basketball player.

[Tom Bosley]

THANK YOU FOR INVADING MY SEXUAL ENCOUNTER, ASSHOLE.

[SenorMan]

THANK YOU FOR INVADING MY SEXUAL ENCOUNTER, ASSHOLE.

of the third kind?

[SLUM WIZZARD]

dear online dating guru,

i have found a foreign mail order wife via, as you can readily guess, the internet. what is the most durable lightweight chain on the market?

~ lonely in LA

[Forever Finite]

Dear Lonely,

you might find that the most durable and conveniently lightweight wife-binding product on the buyer's market today can only come from Tommy's Titanium Tough Love Trinkets brand that offers anything from cuffs, shackles, leg irons or manacles to ball bearings. all of their products come in a sturdy yet relatively lightweight material, mixed professionally in the smelting vaults of zeus the champion ferrier. this material is a custom mixture of titanium steel and takker's vaginal fluids; guaranteed ford tough.

tell them finite sent you for a jaw-dropping discount on all of your purchases.

<blockquote>your friend, S&Mie</blockquote>

[Kenji]

Dear Doctor Finite,

I keep getting e-mails from someone that all say, "h0rny h0usewife l00king f0r l0ve<3: http://h0rnyh0usewives.com/h0rny". I want to reply, but I'm nervous. What should I say to win her over?

Sincerely,
Nervous

[Forever Finite]

Dear Nervous,

in order to win the affections of your horny housewife, all you must do is succumb to her promotional offers. a little click here, a few downpayments there, maybe an address and billing info or two... nothing too serious. a few hundred dollars later you'll have full access to her photos and most likely the photos of her horny housewife pals. you may even decide that she's not the one for you, there may be other, more horny housewives out there for you to pick from. you can even love more than one in each given day! and as many times as you like! for this low low introductory rate.

<blockquote>your friend, XclickXforXsexX</blockquote>

[polaroid]

I know that I'm not Dr. Finite, but This is for Davey:

My best friend Devin moved to Ireland, and some random eleven-year-old in Tennesee or some other southern state added him to her Xanga subs for some reason. Later, she found his friends, convinced them that she'd met him at a show and lost his number, and got it out of them. She kept calling and calling until finally, he put his father on the phone when he was drunk. She was terrified and never called again. We think she hung herself at a From First to Last concert.

I recommend that next time either one of your parental units are drunk, get them to a computer and let them do the talking.

[Forever Finite]

man, wish i was there.

[töm]

that's was the best story i've ever heard in my life, polaroid.

[implode]

how do you hang yourself at a concert? have someone tall hold the rope for you?

[Spleenazor]

duh

[implode]

gee thanks for that i hadn't even considered that i might get to feel stupid today!

[Spleenazor]

yeah i know. it happens like every time there is a concert. duh. ive done it like three times already cause im not a bitch like evryone else and i dont conform. i also cut my wrists when i do it cause im not a pansy. and i hate when people say im emo just because i wear little pants that hug my crotch. ive been wearing them before emo was around, and i listen to fallout boy before they were famous.

[implode]

man, you sure burned the 65 pre-pubescent girls who'll grow out of thinking that way once they reach 8th grade.

[Spleenazor]

oh yeah i know i hate how fake everyone is